Well, this explains it:
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THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.