I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
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I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
#TopTip
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it