I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits