I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
You Might Also Like
Me trying to “trust the process”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
oh shit
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.