I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning