i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?