i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable