I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there