I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
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I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*