I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
thank god
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain