I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Bloody internet 😳
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.