@Brentweets: I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [walks into 4D ultrasound office] Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women Me: I just want to see my burrito again
@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.