I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I鈥檓 like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn鈥檛 real?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
馃幍 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 馃幍
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
if you鈥檙e in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.