I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner