I think long & hard before using innuendo.
You Might Also Like
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”