@zachreinert03: I think marriage is probably like having a business partner. No that's not true, probably weird if your business partner takes your kids
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@XplodingUnicorn: I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I've just been poisoned
@TheWoodenslurpy: Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
@dksc4life: ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed