@zachreinert03: I think marriage is probably like having a business partner. No that's not true, probably weird if your business partner takes your kids
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@cloudypianos: "someday this will all be yours" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
@JohnLyonTweets: Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
@WheelTod: A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
@AGreaterMonster: Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength? Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.