I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
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“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
this is funnier than any friends episode
Just me and my debit card against the world
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*