I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
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Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive