I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
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I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
kids play hide and seek like
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.