I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.