I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
i could never be president. im overqualified.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.