@BareChesty: I think my dog just OD'd on lightening bugs. I didn't even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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@DanMentos: "My first wife didn't have a gag reflex" Wow that's amazing "Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes"
@balloonsmatt: Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
@LaniBeno: Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.