@BareChesty: I think my dog just OD'd on lightening bugs. I didn't even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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@itshotterhere: Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn't break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.
@sock_holliday: [Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week