I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“HELP WITH CAT”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My first son he is wonderful
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Owl Sanctuary
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!