@WhtUReallyMean: I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic.
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@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
@ch000ch: 9-1-1 what's ur emergency "well i guess it's that one of my friends changed all of my contacts' phone numbers to 9-1-1."
@ValeeGrrl: 6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I'LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE Husband: *dies laughing*
@NoTheOtherJohn: [lifts $1000 apple watch to my face] Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.