@WhtUReallyMean: I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic.
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@SteveKoehler22: The NFL has hired their first female referee. She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
@bobvulfov: [funeral] WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he's gone ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
@Cads_wallop: Judging by the way I just reacted to not being able to find the TV remote, I’m not the type of person you’d want around in a crisis