I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?