ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there