@Dr_awfulpants: I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*
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@grammar_c**t: "I love you" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to "I got this round."
@juliussharpe: For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician's wife to wave like a normal human being.
@iRowlf: Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you've got their room bugged.
@InternetHippo: Me: I am a taxpayer. I pay your salary. You work for ME Waiter who’s refusing to bring me extra rolls: None of that is true