@Dr_awfulpants: I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*
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@skullmandible: ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!! THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don't say
@iwearaonesie: wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous! me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
@grimpossible: If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.
@Samzen_: All girls love surprises. I didn't know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can't understand women.