*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
car not found
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian