just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”