Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
😂💯
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.