I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
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PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?