I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
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I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Just as the prophecy foretold
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Whoa… oh I see lol
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
concern
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?