I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
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me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat