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Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
mentally somewhere in italy
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.