I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
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If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
meanwhile over on facebook
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend