I think my mom just blocked me
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”