I think my mom just blocked me
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Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
See..?
.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels