I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I am yelling