I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough