“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
same bro
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.