I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
mood
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table