I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
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them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
This hospital has everything
Butt weight. There’s more!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight