I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding