I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
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Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
some things should go without saying
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
time for some seasonal decor
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.