I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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*frowns in Scottish*
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.