I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.