I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
what day is it?
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
WHO DID THIS?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Not helping