I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.