I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
me linking you to my twitter
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.