My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
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