Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.