Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
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Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Don’t talk down to me
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain