I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
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Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The Struggle
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.