I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
You Might Also Like
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.