I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
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call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??